Shoulder Pads on Women

Look, everyone loved the 80s. The coke and the money were as free-flowing as Mike J. Fox's feathery Teen Wolf hair. But those days are over. Now we have to worry about unemployment, climate change and trillion-dollar deficits. And Marty McFly has Parkinson's. I know fashion is cyclical and everything returns -- at first as an ironic throwback, but then before you know it, everyone from L.E.S. hipsters to Kentucky rednecks are wearing the same thing. So ladies, I implore you, DO NOT WEAR SHOULDER PADS. They are never a good look. Never really were, never will be.

The one exception:


Only you can prevent their return...

The Half Goatee

Wanna rock a beard? Fine. Wanna go with a goatee? Yeah, OK. Ironic mustache? Sure. But for god's sake, please don't shave your upper lip and leave a hairy bush on your chin. Not cool.





The same goes for soul patches, creeps.

Playboy Tattoos

Really ladies, a playboy tattoo? Way to aim high. I'm sure you were sitting at the tattoo parlor debating between getting that or a Nobel Peace Prize tattoo. If you really think you're Playboy material, and that really is your goal in life, then go ahead and have your tribal-tatted boyfriend snap a few glamor shots of you and send them to Hef. But let's be honest, when is the last time Playboy featured an overweight, acne-faced meth-head in the magazine? You'd be better off taking the hundred bucks you saved for the tattoo and putting it toward some GED classes.

Even if you were in Playboy, is that really what you want on your skin, a reminder that your value to society peaked when you were 18 and it's been all down hill from there?

City Apparel

Want to advertise that you're a tourist? Wear a T-Shirt with the logo of the city you're in. Only a tourist would walk  around San Diego clad in a crappy cotton T with screen printed palm trees and "San Diego" written across the front.  Want to go a step further and look like an even bigger idiot? Put on a "Lifeguard" hoodie. Listen you fanny-pack, white tube sock, short-short wearing troll, you're not a fucking lifeguard. You're not David Hasslehoff. You're an obese Midwesterner eating funnel cake at Sea World. Go home.

Same goes for NYPD hats. Unless you've got a gun strapped to your waist (one issued to you by the City of New York, not one that you bought at a gun show in Oklahoma), then take off that hat.