Volatile Sandals aka "Vomitiles"

Just because you bang east county skin-head "bros" and have black-on-bottom-bleach-blonde-on-top hair extensions does not give you the right to wear platform flip-flops with your denim mini skirt and pink "fox" wife beater. And please tuck your $3 chartreuse embellished stripper thong back into your skort...whore. Go ride a dirt bike and drink Keystone Lights until you throw up on your cheap Jessica Simpson clip-in weave. And when you finally break your ankle from wearing these and get outfitted in one of those sweet boot casts, then please don't think it's still cool to throw on a cocktail dress and hobble around the Gaslamp because you can't miss your boyfriend "spinning" at the club. By the way, hitting play on "NOW! That's What I Call Music 47" does not make him a DJ.

Kitten Heels

You know what's never a good look? White pumps, kitten heels, and the deadliest combination of all: white kitten heel pumps. Gross. Listen trick, flats are great -- they're comfortable, cute, professional yet casual, and high heels are totally sexy and forever en vogue, so just pick and commit. Whoever invented the "kitten heel" should be shot. Twice. You're not hitting the perfect midpoint on the curve that stretches between conservative librarian and vanilla body spray/glitter-clad stripper. You're not balancing the fashionable with the practical. You just look like a weirdo. The point is, you don't have to wear a Velcro’d oxford to the office to be taken seriously, or a 7-inch clear platform porn-star stiletto to look flirty on your girls' night out...there are plenty of in-between options, but a kitten heel is NOT one of them. Especially in white. Trust us, that extra three-quarters of an inch is not making you a supermodel, and it certainly ain't worth fashion suicide.

Hilarious, But Too Easy

Tapout, Affliction and Ed Hardy are like fish in a barrel. Almost more deserving of pity than ridicule (see here).

But we still appreciate this ridicule:

Piece of Shit Clothing from The Midnight Show

Shoulder Pads on Women

Look, everyone loved the 80s. The coke and the money were as free-flowing as Mike J. Fox's feathery Teen Wolf hair. But those days are over. Now we have to worry about unemployment, climate change and trillion-dollar deficits. And Marty McFly has Parkinson's. I know fashion is cyclical and everything returns -- at first as an ironic throwback, but then before you know it, everyone from L.E.S. hipsters to Kentucky rednecks are wearing the same thing. So ladies, I implore you, DO NOT WEAR SHOULDER PADS. They are never a good look. Never really were, never will be.

The one exception:


Only you can prevent their return...

The Half Goatee

Wanna rock a beard? Fine. Wanna go with a goatee? Yeah, OK. Ironic mustache? Sure. But for god's sake, please don't shave your upper lip and leave a hairy bush on your chin. Not cool.





The same goes for soul patches, creeps.

Playboy Tattoos

Really ladies, a playboy tattoo? Way to aim high. I'm sure you were sitting at the tattoo parlor debating between getting that or a Nobel Peace Prize tattoo. If you really think you're Playboy material, and that really is your goal in life, then go ahead and have your tribal-tatted boyfriend snap a few glamor shots of you and send them to Hef. But let's be honest, when is the last time Playboy featured an overweight, acne-faced meth-head in the magazine? You'd be better off taking the hundred bucks you saved for the tattoo and putting it toward some GED classes.

Even if you were in Playboy, is that really what you want on your skin, a reminder that your value to society peaked when you were 18 and it's been all down hill from there?

City Apparel

Want to advertise that you're a tourist? Wear a T-Shirt with the logo of the city you're in. Only a tourist would walk  around San Diego clad in a crappy cotton T with screen printed palm trees and "San Diego" written across the front.  Want to go a step further and look like an even bigger idiot? Put on a "Lifeguard" hoodie. Listen you fanny-pack, white tube sock, short-short wearing troll, you're not a fucking lifeguard. You're not David Hasslehoff. You're an obese Midwesterner eating funnel cake at Sea World. Go home.

Same goes for NYPD hats. Unless you've got a gun strapped to your waist (one issued to you by the City of New York, not one that you bought at a gun show in Oklahoma), then take off that hat.